Ceremonial farewells are not something we are forced to do. On the contrary, they require active decisions and some reflection.

Taking a final farewell of things, habits, systems, relationships and institutions that no longer serve our purpose can feel both unfamiliar and strange. Not least if the object of the farewell needs to be left behind after becoming dysfunctional, unsustainable, or both.

The road to a farewell ceremony can therefore be experienced as difficult. Perhaps mainly because losses of close artifacts such as things, beliefs, systems, and institutions at the same time both resemble and differ from what it means to lose a loved one.

The similarity is due to the fact that, in addition to interacting with our fellow human beings, we also have deep and lasting relationships with the world we collectively build over time. This human world consists of cultural artifacts; human creations of various dignity – ranging from temporary whims to multi-millennial institutions.

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Necessary farewells

It is not so strange that some artifacts are very long-lived if we consider that the intention of the human-made is often that it should survive its creators. And so it does, but in processes that often involve a transformation into something completely different from what was intended. And since we are constantly in symbiosis with the world we have built and continue to build together, it is easy to miss such transformations as they sneak up on us.

What happens can be likened to how codependency arises. For example when a habit or institution that was originally supportive and helpful, turns into something oppressive and controlling. Such a process is reminiscent of the emergence of a dysfunctional relationship, including the co-dependency problem that makes such relationships very difficult to end.

Coming to the realization that a final farewell to such a situation or institution may be necessary to break one’s destructive relation with it is therefore difficult, and it may also involve risk. That is why it is natural that it can take a long time to decide to take the step. At Ars Moriendi, we take this very seriously, which is why we offer everything from short consultation sessions to long-term participation in more complex break-up processes in large and small. It is always good to contact us for help in investigating how a farewell, which may be perceived as impossible, might after all become feasible.

Unwanted farewells

Although human-made things sometimes develop into something destructive that may need to die, this is not a rule. On the contrary, there are plenty of examples of cultural artifacts that most people wish to continue because they are perceived as necessary, important and good for society. When such parts of the human world suddenly disappear, without us being able to prevent it, it is comparable to losing a beloved relative, and the grief can be very difficult to manage. Not least because the loss is perceived as irreversible. Artifacts cannot reproduce themselves like biological beings, and how the void can be filled with something new and perhaps even better feels incomprehensible to many.

In the face of the existential abyss that such losses entail, it is not surprising that we tend to suppress them. Often by continuing as if nothing had happened, to create an illusion that what has been irretrievably lost still “lives and is healthy,” here among us.

This tendency entails great risks, as it makes it easy for manipulative forces to seize power by using an institution that has become ‘zoombified’ as a Trojan horse in which they can hide. Today, we can see many examples of this type of manipulation, often by social institutions that in recent decades have become hollow in a way that has made them possible to fill with content that radically deviates from their original purpose. It is therefore important that we pay attention to and dare to challenge our desire for the constant, but also that we have the courage to say a final goodbye to artifacts that are about to be transformed into something that governs us, instead of the other way around. 

Of course, this is not an easy task either, and we at Ars Moriendi take this challenge at least as seriously as the difficulty of getting out of a codependency with the habitual. We therefore attach great importance to the processing of deep sadness and feelings of resignation in the event of unwanted losses and it is always possible to contact us for advice and support regarding such processes.